Time and Place to change

There’s a one-liner joke I’m fond of that goes like “The only thing I hate more than change is the way things are.”  Oftentimes it has to get that way before change is even considered.  We can just look at my drinking days and see this quote in full effect.  Things had to get miserable and functioning had to bottom before a real change was able to occur.  It took a “white light” moment for me to realize the change that needed to occur wasn’t a new drink-management technique, but sobriety.  It then took an immense amount of effort, support from peers and professionals, and grace for the change to transpire.  

Why Change Feels So Hard

Human beings are in some ways a walking paradox.  We are programmed to seek novelty, it’s why we’ve been able to innovate and adapt so proficiently as a species, but at the same time we also crave stability, it's how we’ve been able to survive and reproduce.  We are no longer in the state of nature, but change is still different and unknown, so it's scary.  With my drinking days, when I would try and make a change, things would literally get worse (withdrawal) so I never stuck with it long enough to give it a fair shot.  

The mental image in my head is one of those old-timey gameshows.  The person has just won a fabulous prize.  Behind Door #1 is a brand new car, or they can pick Door #2 which contains a mystery prize.  Frequently however, when it comes to change, we are deciding between suffering and discomfort or a mystery prize.  To me the choice is obvious.  But that suffering and discomfort is known and familiar, it somehow feels safer than the “mystery prize.”

When Change Is Forced

But it doesn’t always have to be this way.  Another personal example is my doctor telling me I’m on track to have diabetes.  I love candy (hence that prognosis) and would hate to be unable to eat it freely.  So for the sake of eating more candy later in my life, I cut back (and changed other health habits).  Luckily I got a clean bill of health in the following appointment.  

That's still a coerced change though.  I’ve noticed an inverse correlation between mental healthiness and willingness for change.  In my examples, I went from needing immense physical and mental suffering to just the threat of something undesired.  I also just so happen to be a bit healthier mentally than I was back in 2016.  Over my time, I’ve even met some superstars that seek change and growth just for the sake of it – no coercion necessary.  

Growth Depends on Timing and Environment

 If we’ve been working together for a while you’ve certainly heard me mention my friend Steve*.  We would talk almost every day and I would get to hear about his horrible roommates.  These people had the audacity to watch TV in the middle of the day a little too loud, change the thermostat by a degree or two, and even knock on Steve’s door to invite him to do things.  When it got time to renew his lease, Steve decided to renew.  He was self-aware.  He told me “I recognize a lot of these problems I have with them are just my own petty BS.  It's time I grow as a person and get over this, ultimately they’re good guys.”

The next year Steve and I still talked frequently.  I would hear the same roommate lamentations with about the same frequency.  I was surprised to hear him tell me “I’m going to renew my lease.  I recognize a lot of these problems I have with them are just my own petty BS.  It's time I grow as a person and get over this, ultimately they’re good guys.”  This time I disagreed.  I agree with him taking personal responsibility to grow, but for whatever reason, this was not the environment for Steve.  If he could have changed, he would have by now.  Despite his awareness and desire, this just wasn’t the place or time for his growth.  Steve and I still talk frequently, but not about roommate problems anymore.  His patience and tolerance have grown immensely over the past few years.

Lasting Change Takes Support

Change is incredibly difficult.  Getting the desire to do it is monumental, but the road continues after that.  Consistent effort, outside support, and embracing the journey are needed for long-lasting changes to our behaviors or thought process.  And changing our perspectives/thoughts should not be overlooked.  Small changes here can make the entire world look different.  

Therapy can be useful in building that willingness, identifying areas of need, identifying barriers, having someone to walk with you for the journey of change, or maybe helping assess that things are actually okay.  For any support in this, please don’t hesitate to reach out by clicking the top right button on this page.  

*Named changed for his online privacy