Am I too awkward for therapy?
Social anxiety can make for a lonely place. It can be hell shaped in a bubble of isolation. Isolation then makes it harder to break the anxious thoughts, the thoughts then make it harder to be around people; this cycle can spiral fast. Coming to therapy may feel like a good solution, but unviable. It’s innately social. Not only that, but it's social in close proximity. Whether virtual or in person, there’s a closeness that can make the anxiety squirm. This means it takes courage. While I believe coming to therapy for any reason takes courage, it's a different branch for the individual with social anxiety.
I had one courageous client in particular who sticks out. We started virtually during covid and later transitioned into in-person once that was allowed. While they had made progress in getting less isolated, the anxious thoughts were still there. After some prying during our first in-person session, one of the biggest anxious thoughts were centered around their awkwardness. That struck me, I had not been experiencing any awkwardness with them (although I was perceiving them feeling uncomfortable). I asked them what was awkward about themself. They proceeded to give a long list via monologue that culminated in “and I’m even sitting awkwardly!” After this I started to pay closer attention to how they were sitting. Nothing stuck out to me initially. After closer attention, I concluded nothing stuck out initially because there’s nothing there; they were sitting just like a normal person.
On a quick personal anecdote: Back in 2016 I was entering recovery and into an anonymous fellowship. I was also re-entering society and making a lot of new connections, mostly sober individuals. I wasn’t driving at the time (go figure) and was taking an uber to court-mandated group therapy. The uber driver was in the same academic program as some of my new sober friends. After I excitedly asked about our mutuals I was blindsided by his question “do you mind me asking how you know them?” Somehow, I did not see that coming! After pausing and struggling to think of an honest way to answer, while not betraying their anonymity, I said “yes, I do mind you asking.” I felt so uncomfortable! I wanted to get out of the car and run the last half mile to my destination. But that would’ve been even worse, so I was trapped. While I initially tried to project my awkward feeling onto him (something I realize I've always done) he seemed perfectly at ease. He took my response in an even stride and seemed nonplussed. Thankfully being trapped in the car allowed me to realize this and get a counter datapoint. The “awkwardness” I thought was definitive was actually just a manifested label. It was a feeling of discomfort I labeled, projected onto him, reflected back to myself, felt fill the whole car, and deemed as objectively true. But it didn’t exist, I couldn’t touch it. It was just a feeling of discomfort that instead of passing after 5 seconds, I magnified. And it didn’t go away at first either, as I cringed for hours after that.
But back to my client. With our disagreement over his sitting and others they were able to add my data into their own collection. These data sets were at odds. They were able to see their behaviors and being from an outside angle, away from their own shaded lenses. They learned that they were a pretty good person with interesting tidbits and hobbies. They got to practice socializing for at least an hour a week and walked away as accepted as they were initially. They felt safe enough to start branching out and socializing outside therapy. There was a complete change. They were still sitting the same way in our last session as our first, but their world view and view of self were radically different.
The truth is, we’re all socially inept at times. The proportion is usually significantly less than what the socially anxious individual thinks (and significantly more than the narcissist thinks). I was really hoping counseling school would teach me all the Jedi mind tricks and the perfect thing to say for every situation (both in and out of the counseling room). They did not. But with practice, a higher level of self acceptance, and better distress tolerance, one can learn to manage and reduce the discomfort of these moments. Ironically enough, after developing this, these moments seem to happen with much less regularity. But greater self acceptance and comfort in these moments often can’t just happen philosophically, they have to be lived.
To conclude, there’s no way out of this but through. Therapy can be a safe space to experience self and others to accumulate evidence to use against anxiety. I’m here for that. But whether it's with me, another therapist, or anyone else, it is gonna take a person/people. One can’t overcome fear of the dark without giving up the nightlight.
P.s. I know now that an easy, honest answer to the question that uberdriver asked would have been “we met through mutual friends.” Honest enough and considerate of my friends’ privacy. But also, now I’ve learned to be okay after saying something bluntly uncomfortable like I did back then.